Forever Angels by Lynda

PLEASE VOTE FOR MULTIPLE BIRTHS CANADA

Lynda P. Haddon — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:20:52 +0000

Multiple Births Canada has needed a new website for some time.

We may have found a way to get the donation to fund it from AVIVA.
All we need to do is get all our friends and family – and their friends and family – to vote for our project idea for the next 15 days.

Would you please consider helping us? You register once with your email address (and create a password – use “twinsplus” so it’s easy to remember). After that you just sign in and vote for the idea – which takes about 15 seconds a day.

Here’s the link with the details:

http://www.avivacommunityfund.org/ideas/acf13028

Telling co-multiple survivor……

Lynda P. Haddon — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 20:52:40 +0000

Question: Should you tell your child that he/she was a twin? If so, when?

Hello, thank you for your question. I can’t tell anyone what to do but I can offer some food for thought. I strongly believe anything that affects the fabric

of who we are, we have a right to know, e.g. adoption – we already know that adoptees do very well when they know from the beginning about their origins. The same would hold true, IMO, regarding knowing you were half of a duo. We know multiples are aware of each other in utero and it can be argued that some of the conflicting feelings as they grow, may be as a result of losing their co-multiple, even though that is difficult to prove. Some actions can be just normal growing pains or, there may be happy-go-lucky people. If I began life as a multiple, I would want to know that fact. Letting them know earlier rather than later allows survivors to integrate the information and make it a part of the fabric of who they are rather than learning later and understanding that they were never who they thought they were. Some survivors don’t recover without therapy. The parents are dealing with the loss of a no doubt much-wanted child and with a survivor, they can find themselves in the position of having to face their own feelings of pain and grief. We might therefore mess up the message. What I find easier about sharing at the beginning and telling the truth is that if we mess and use the wrong words or become overcome with our own emotions, it isn’t so bad with a baby or toddler but potentially much more complicated with a, say, 14-year old. Hope this helps. Best wishes, Lynda

Multiple Births Canada’s Loss Support Network

Lynda P. Haddon — Tue, 11 May 2010 12:24:09 +0000

If you or someone you know has lost one, more or all of their multiple-birth babies, consider

getting in touch with Multiple Births Canada’s Loss Support Network. They can be reached at

www.multiplebirthscanada.org They have been supporting bereaved families for over 15 years with

loss resources fitting many occasions (e.g. getting through the holidays), offer private e-mail Pen Pal connection

and a monthly newsletter, Forever Angels. You are not alone. We are here to help.

Having twins after loss of twins….

Lynda P. Haddon — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:54:58 +0000

If you conceived your babies either spontaneously or with infertility assistance, there is a possibility that you might conceive them again, either spontaneously or with additional infertility assistance. It happens from time to time. If this has happened to you and you would like to take advantage of multiple-birth specific prenatal classes, check out www.multiplebirthfamilies.com for a video preview and for more information. If you have been placed on early bedrest due to your high risk prenatal situation or if multiple-birth specific prenatal classes are not available in your area, check out this DVD. Watch in the comfort of your own home, in your own time frame.

Expecting Twins or Triplets After Loss

Lynda P. Haddon — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 21:49:18 +0000

It might be that even if you have lost one, more or all multiple-birth babies, that you find yourself in the position of expecting twins or triplets again. For a DVD with over 3 hours and 22 downloads of informations, resources, nutrition items, hints, tips and more, check outmy site at www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com Miracles do happen!

Multiple-birth bereavement support

Lynda P. Haddon — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:48:21 +0000

If you are looking for bereavement support for the loss of one, more or all your multiple -birth infants or children, there are two terrific sites to consider:

My own at www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com

and Canada’s only national support organization Multiple Births Canada’s Loss Support Registry at www.multiplebirthscanada.org

Your go-to places for bereavement support for understanding, resources, information and connection.

Loss in the womb

Lynda P. Haddon — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:33:26 +0000

Womb-Twin Survivors

Within a multiple birth, there are several possible reasons for loss in the womb. One might think that loss in utero doesn’t have much effect on either the womb-twin survivor(s) or the parents. Such an assumption would be far from correct. Parents lose on two levels: their precious child is gone and so is a unique parenting experience. Womb-twin survivors lose their first sole mate. When parents do not tell survivors that they began life as at least twins, it is not uncommon for them to develop fantasies about “being with someone else,” of being unable to achieve or needing to live their lives for two. There can be survivor’s guilt. If told later in life, there are often feelings of relief at not being “crazy” but sometimes too, anger at the parents for a lack of truthfulness all along and a wonder at what else may not have shared with them.

For those wishing more information, here are the situations which can occur within a multiple-birth situation:

Vanishing Twin occurs when a fertilized zygote of a multiple-birth pregnancy fails to properly adhere to the uterine wall to attain the maternal nutrition it needs to grow and develop or the zygote itself is unhealthy. Early ultrasounds, i.e. 6-8 weeks, will confirm a pregnancy and how many. Yet, by week 12, the uterine situation can dramatically change and one embryo “vanishes.” This loss can happen within a twin, triplet or more pregnancy. Over time, the empty sac Is absorbed by the mother’s body. There is no harm to the remaining fetus(es) and no sign of its existence at birth.

It is the advent of ultrasound that has brought the phenomenon of Vanishing Twin to the fore. Before, parents would not have known they were pregnant with 2 or more. There may or may not have been bleeding which can occur despite pregnancy. Instead, the pregnancy continued to the healthy birth of a ‘singleton’ or ‘twins’ (from triplets) with no one the wiser that one had been lost. Vanishing Twin seems to be more common than was previously thought.

Multifetal Pregnancy Reduction is the reduction of one or more embryos while still in utero, from usually a triplet or more pregnancy in order to give the surviving embryos, and Mom, the best chance of being healthy. It is not an easy decision, as the parents grapple with the pros and cons, usually in isolation from family and friends (who may not understand their dilemma), but in consultation with their doctor and other healthcare professionals. If reduction is chosen, it is recommended that a dizygotic (fraternal) embryo be chosen to be reduced as monozygotic (identical) embryos are closely linked and it has been reported that womb-twin survivors can be affected psychologically by the loss of their genetically similar co-multiple.

Miscarriage can occur in utero involving one or more fetuses within a multiple birth, and the pregnancy needs to continue for the sake of the remaining baby(ies). It is very stressful when carrying one alive and one dead as parents worry about the health of the other baby(ies) and at their births, parents simultaneously experience the joy of birth and the pain of loss.

Some parents know ahead of time that one of the babies will not survive birth and can only remain alive while in utero. This, too, is a very stressful situation as only in utero are both or all babies safe. It is the outside world where one of the babies cannot live.

Complicated Grief

In-utero losses have complicated grieving processes for parents, particularly the Mother, as well as for the womb-twin survivors themselves. Family, friends and counselors don’t always identify or appreciate the depth of feelings around such losses. Some of their comments show that lack of understanding: “You are young, you can have more,” “At least you still have a baby,” or as one bereaved Mom of triplets was told by her mother-in-law, “You have two babies who need you, get on with it!”

Parents/Mother

Grieving in-utero losses can be challenging for both parents. The Father may initially feel sad and/or be worried about his wife. It can be difficult for some men to mourn early loss. Mom has a different experience as she is the’ baby carrier.’ She may have felt them move and experienced physical changes in her body and emotions as her babies were developing. Interestingly though, through the rest of a grieving woman’s life, the idea of her lost child remains, even if that loss occurred in utero. The deceased child remains in thought, fantasy, prayer; an unseen member of the family but a member nevertheless.

Womb-Twin Survivor

Feedback received from womb-twin survivors indicates that they were indeed affected by the loss. One survivor lost her twin just before their births:

“…..I used to feel guilty for being alive. ….I thought my parents hated me because I was not her……I often feel very alone and low.”

Another lost her twin brother 20 weeks after conception:

“[I] always feel alone no matter who I am with.”

Another lost her twin sister before she was born at 26 weeks gestation:

“….I think about her every day…..people’s reactions are hard to take – they don’t see or treat an in-utero loss as significant or as a loss. Because of the skepticism around this issue, it’s almost impossible to talk about my twin to anyone.”

Still another who lost her twin at birth:

“There are obvious senses of loss, guilt, anger, need for closeness that I can’t explain. They are worse around my birth day ([which is] her death day). There is an overwhelming sense of being ‘half’ and I have tried to fill it by being better and more than anyone else.”

We know that multiples are aware of each other early on in utero.[1] It stands to reason that there may be feelings of loneliness, always looking especially in crowds, feeling incomplete, empty, sad for no apparent reason and so much more, as womb-twin survivors who began life so closely connected, attempt to find balance outside of the womb. Doctors, therapists, counselors, parents, researchers and pastors need to become aware of the unique grief feelings that can affect womb-twin survivors and recognize that even very early losses can have devastating and life-long effects.

July, 2009

[1] A Study on Twins Before and After Birth, Alessandra Piontelli, The International Review of Psycho-Analysis, 1989, Vol. 16, Part 4, Page 413

One is Alive, One is Not

Lynda P. Haddon — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:06:38 +0000

A particularly painful situation occurs when a twin (or triplet) dies in utero a few weeks before birth and the pregnancy must continue to give the survivor(s) the best chance at being healthy. The parents’ stress levels are so high as they try to grasp the fact that one of their babies is dead and how will that affect the survivor? In such cases, the Mother and survivor is closely monitored until birth. Mom can expect to deliver early, i.e. before about 36 weeks and the parents will need a death plan as well as a birth plan.

Whether or not to see the deceased baby can be a concern and hospital staff are very sensitive and can advise you when the babies are born. Even if it has been several weeks that the deceased baby has been in utero, there are ways to wrap the babe so that parents can still hold their child, take pictures and say their good-byes should they wish to do so. Pictures of tiny feet and or hands can be taken, and possibly plaster molds of them as well. If this is something you would like to have happen, be sure and speak up and state what you want. If the hospital staff cannot do it, many funeral homes can make arrangements for plaster casts.

Photos at this time before burial become cherished treasures as this is the only time the babies will be together. It is difficult to cram a lot of love into a few hours and then have to say good-bye.

If this is your situation, my heart goes out to you all.

First Blog

Lynda P. Haddon — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 18:47:22 +0000

This is the second time around at trying to get this Blog off the ground. I am so technically challenged! But perseverance is the key so hopefully this second time around will work more efficiently.

My hope for this blog is that bereaved multiple-birth parents, grandparents, surviving co-multiples and anyone else with an interest in loss in multiple-birth will benefit from its content and find a place of sanctuary, peace and comfort.

To lose a child is one of the worth things any parent can face. Such a loss is beyond description and there is no such thing as bouncing back. Time helps but does not completely erase what should have been and the helpless felt. The world is a changed place. It is no longer safe as we had previously thought.

In this space I want to share with you thoughts, hints, tips, stories, ideas, memorial ideas, research, resources and anything else which will help bridge the gap, even a little bit, between grief and sanity.

Forever Angels is the name of Multiple Births Canada’s (MBC) Loss Support Network’s monthly e-newsletter. MBC has gratiously allowed me to use this name for my blog and I am grateful for their support. Check out the wide variety of loss support available through MBC at www.multiplebirthscanada.org I have been the Chair of their Loss Support Network since its inception 15+ years ago.

As such, there is a wealth of information and resources available.

If you have a question, concern or story you might like to share, don’t hesitate to get in touch. I will be exploring the different types of multiple-birth loss in the next few days and weeks and perhaps something will resonate with you.

All the best.

Lynda