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Archive for June, 2016

Hello,

Today, 1/11 marks the 30th anniversary which made me a twinless twin. Until this year I had never thought to search for anyone else  who may have shared the same feelings I do about losing a twin. The loss, even my full lifetime later, still feels isolating to a point that it seems “no one” will ever understand, however, this article is assurance to me that people do. This realization brings comfort in a way I needed today.

My twin, Amy, died at 6 months old from a congenital heart defect after multiple surgeries and attempts to save her she was unable to survive on this day January 11, 1986. When we were born the beginning for both was rocky – between her heart and my weight at 3.4lbs., our outcome could have both been grim. However, after weeks I built strength and her situation turned the opposite.

My parents and older sister have always been supportive and we remember Amy and celebrate her life. I, however, harbor survivor’s guilt daily questioning why was I given a life that was taken away from her? It leaves not only a loss but so many unanswered questions.

Although these emotions will always be with me it brings great comfort to know that others can empathize with something I felt I was experiencing alone. Thank you for researching this project! It has been impactful and if I could help in any way don’t hesitate to reach out. – J W

Hi JW,

I am so pleased that the article on my site was helpful to you.  I am also very sorry to hear of the loss of your special Womb Mate, Amy.  it is wonderful that the rest of your family has been so open to allow you the space and safety you need to mourn your loss.  That is not always the case.

I wanted to address your concerns re survivor’s guilt, if you don’t mind.  It is very common for survivors to feel such guilt.  What I can tell you (which I am sure you already are aware) is that while humans can control so much of our circumstances, there is still so much that we cannot, e.g. weather, illness, who lives and who dies and when and how.  Mother Nature has the final say in many areas yet.  It is no one’s fault, certainly not yours or your Mother’s that you gained strength and Amy was unable to overcome her challenges.  It is so much luck, and things could have easily gone the other way, but they didn’t.  You are not “bad” because you survived.  This was completely beyond your control.  Another pain in the neck is that not everything can be explained or answered.  Why? has to be one of the most annoying of questions.

I feel very strongly that Amy would be delighted that you remember her and that you are living a full and rich life.  I am quite sure that she would not want you to change places with her.

Wishing you the very best of the best,

Lynda

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This is the first place I’ve found that can I talk about the guilt the twinless twin feels, playing basketball, what if my twin brother could have played?  When I was a child I thought about him all the time.  Never told anyone.  At one point wanted to die to be with him. For for years I put it out of my mind. Till I see some twins, the feelings come back

M.

Hello M,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your twin brother.  It is not easy going on physically parted from him.  It is OK to think about him.  In that way, he lives on, beside you and in your heart.  A suggestion would be that if it ever seems appropriate in a conversation, do talk about him and a little bit of what you feel.  It is another way of keeping him close as well as ensuring his memory survives.  This doesn’t mean that everything will be hunky-dory, but it is bringing him foreword in a loving way and if that is something that might work for you, I say go for it!  You may also open a door for someone else to share their beginnings and how they were affected.  We are never sure how we will positively impact someone else simply by being our selves.

Please try very hard not to die to try and join him.  I am sure that is not what he would want for you, i.e. a short life.  It is not your fault that you lived and he died.  We cannot pick how our cards will play out.  What we can pick is how we respond to something we cannot control.  Looking for the bright spots and expanding on them whenever possible would be ideal.  So many people would miss you dearly if you were not around.  If you are having trouble at all, do seek some professional help.  It will be worth it all around, promise.

Please accept my sincere condolence on the loss of your brother,

Lynda

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