Hi there, I would just like to connect with twinless people. I lost my other half, my sister, past year and the sadness I feel is overwhelming me. I struggle every day.
Kind regards, E.
Response: Hi E.,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. There is a group in the United States called Twinless Twins and they can be reached at www.twinlesstwins.org They have chapters all over the US and an annual convention. I am sure they will be able to support you.
Please also consider seeing a bereavement counsellor who has experience with the unique needs of twinless twins. As well, there are several books on the subject which you might find helpful. Joan Woodward wrote “The Lone Twin” and Betty Jean Case wrote “Living Without my Twin.”
Enclosing Peace and Comfort, Lynda
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Question: I had no idea about twinless twins. I lost one of mine [twins] in the womb. My daughter is now 16 months [old]. I’ve been thinking what would be an appropriate age to tell her about her twin.
Suggestions: Hello, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. Nothing about losing a much-wanted child is easy. I suggest to parents that they talk about the sibling as early as possible. The conversation is much easier to begin with a young child then to try and break the news to a say, 14-year old. With a young child, the words are less important than with an older child and parents can “practice” to get the words out as they perhaps also struggle with their own feelings about losing their child.
When the loss is shared early on it becomes part of the fabric of who the survivor is vs them facing a completely different scenario at an older age and realizing that they are not who they thought they were. Even starting now is not to soon, in my opinion. “There should have been two of you. Your Dad and I miss your little brother/sister very much.” And such. Short sentences, a few words as you also feel the ground for sharing. It will no doubt be difficult for you as well.
When your daughter begins to speak, she will eventually ask you questions. Use age-appropriate language when answering, be honest, try not to avoid the topic – it may come up when you don’t feel like talking about the subject, and do expect the same questions over and over. This is how small children incorporate the idea of death. It is hard for them to understand. Repetition helps. “S/he was too sick to stay with us and be a family on earth” is a gentle way to help her understand until she is older and better equipped for as much detail as you feel you can share. Be prepared to cry sometimes and that is OK. You can tell her you are glad to have her but not to have her brother/sister makes you feel sad. You are helping her learn that life is not always fair, there are loving people around her nevertheless and she is not to blame because he/she died. She will no doubt ask you at some point if the loss was her fault. It is not her fault, not your fault, nor her Dad’s. It was something sad that happened and you would change it if you could, but you can’t.
I hope these are some helpful ideas. Please accept my sincere condolences on your loss.
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“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”
— Elie Wiesel
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Everybody needs their memories. They keep the wolf of insignificancy from the door.
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There is a wonderful support organization in the United States called Twinless Twins who offers support and resources for multiples of all ages who have lost their co-multiple at any point in their lives. They can be reached at http://www.twinlesstwins.org They have support Chapters all over the United States and an annual convention, sometimes in Southern Canada as well.
There are also several books about being a twinless twins (a term used even for loss within a higher order multiple set of multiples): Living Without Your Twin by Betty Jean Case; The Survivor, by Lynne Schulz; Who Moved the Sun? a tribute to the loss of a twin brother; and Twin Loss by Raymond William Brandt. As well, my Site at http://www.jumelle.ca has articles and resources for survivors who might appreciate them.
I am so sorry for your loss.
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In honour of Baby and Infant Loss Week, Kate Polley is offering a ‘Buy one, get one free’ special on all our baby and child loss books, for orders placed from now until the 15th October. www.thestoryof-books.com This is a really great offer for those wanting to purchase books as Christmas gifts as there is a 28 day maximum waiting period from order until delivery.
Check out Kate’s beautiful and meaningful loss memorial books which can be customized as you wish.
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