Womb-Twin Survivors
Within a multiple birth, there are several possible reasons for loss in the womb. One might think that loss in utero doesn’t have much effect on either the womb-twin survivor(s) or the parents. Such an assumption would be far from correct. Parents lose on two levels: their precious child is gone and so is a unique parenting experience. Womb-twin survivors lose their first sole mate. When parents do not tell survivors that they began life as at least twins, it is not uncommon for them to develop fantasies about “being with someone else,” of being unable to achieve or needing to live their lives for two. There can be survivor’s guilt. If told later in life, there are often feelings of relief at not being “crazy” but sometimes too, anger at the parents for a lack of truthfulness all along and a wonder at what else may not have shared with them.
For those wishing more information, here are the situations which can occur within a multiple-birth situation:
Vanishing Twin occurs when a fertilized zygote of a multiple-birth pregnancy fails to properly adhere to the uterine wall to attain the maternal nutrition it needs to grow and develop or the zygote itself is unhealthy. Early ultrasounds, i.e. 6-8 weeks, will confirm a pregnancy and how many. Yet, by week 12, the uterine situation can dramatically change and one embryo “vanishes.” This loss can happen within a twin, triplet or more pregnancy. Over time, the empty sac Is absorbed by the mother’s body. There is no harm to the remaining fetus(es) and no sign of its existence at birth.
It is the advent of ultrasound that has brought the phenomenon of Vanishing Twin to the fore. Before, parents would not have known they were pregnant with 2 or more. There may or may not have been bleeding which can occur despite pregnancy. Instead, the pregnancy continued to the healthy birth of a ‘singleton’ or ‘twins’ (from triplets) with no one the wiser that one had been lost. Vanishing Twin seems to be more common than was previously thought.
Multifetal Pregnancy Reduction is the reduction of one or more embryos while still in utero, from usually a triplet or more pregnancy in order to give the surviving embryos, and Mom, the best chance of being healthy. It is not an easy decision, as the parents grapple with the pros and cons, usually in isolation from family and friends (who may not understand their dilemma), but in consultation with their doctor and other healthcare professionals. If reduction is chosen, it is recommended that a dizygotic (fraternal) embryo be chosen to be reduced as monozygotic (identical) embryos are closely linked and it has been reported that womb-twin survivors can be affected psychologically by the loss of their genetically similar co-multiple.
Miscarriage can occur in utero involving one or more fetuses within a multiple birth, and the pregnancy needs to continue for the sake of the remaining baby(ies). It is very stressful when carrying one alive and one dead as parents worry about the health of the other baby(ies) and at their births, parents simultaneously experience the joy of birth and the pain of loss.
Some parents know ahead of time that one of the babies will not survive birth and can only remain alive while in utero. This, too, is a very stressful situation as only in utero are both or all babies safe. It is the outside world where one of the babies cannot live.
Complicated Grief
In-utero losses have complicated grieving processes for parents, particularly the Mother, as well as for the womb-twin survivors themselves. Family, friends and counselors don’t always identify or appreciate the depth of feelings around such losses. Some of their comments show that lack of understanding: “You are young, you can have more,” “At least you still have a baby,” or as one bereaved Mom of triplets was told by her mother-in-law, “You have two babies who need you, get on with it!”
Parents/Mother
Grieving in-utero losses can be challenging for both parents. The Father may initially feel sad and/or be worried about his wife. It can be difficult for some men to mourn early loss. Mom has a different experience as she is the’ baby carrier.’ She may have felt them move and experienced physical changes in her body and emotions as her babies were developing. Interestingly though, through the rest of a grieving woman’s life, the idea of her lost child remains, even if that loss occurred in utero. The deceased child remains in thought, fantasy, prayer; an unseen member of the family but a member nevertheless.
Womb-Twin Survivor
Feedback received from womb-twin survivors indicates that they were indeed affected by the loss. One survivor lost her twin just before their births:
“…..I used to feel guilty for being alive. ….I thought my parents hated me because I was not her……I often feel very alone and low.”
Another lost her twin brother 20 weeks after conception:
“[I] always feel alone no matter who I am with.”
Another lost her twin sister before she was born at 26 weeks gestation:
“….I think about her every day…..people’s reactions are hard to take – they don’t see or treat an in-utero loss as significant or as a loss. Because of the skepticism around this issue, it’s almost impossible to talk about my twin to anyone.”
Still another who lost her twin at birth:
“There are obvious senses of loss, guilt, anger, need for closeness that I can’t explain. They are worse around my birth day ([which is] her death day). There is an overwhelming sense of being ‘half’ and I have tried to fill it by being better and more than anyone else.”
We know that multiples are aware of each other early on in utero.[1] It stands to reason that there may be feelings of loneliness, always looking especially in crowds, feeling incomplete, empty, sad for no apparent reason and so much more, as womb-twin survivors who began life so closely connected, attempt to find balance outside of the womb. Doctors, therapists, counselors, parents, researchers and pastors need to become aware of the unique grief feelings that can affect womb-twin survivors and recognize that even very early losses can have devastating and life-long effects.
July, 2009
[1] A Study on Twins Before and After Birth, Alessandra Piontelli, The International Review of Psycho-Analysis, 1989, Vol. 16, Part 4, Page 413
Regarding womb twin survivors, I have a 15 year old son who lost his twin brother a few days before they were deilivered at 39 weeks.
I am looking for personal stories from other people of this similar experience.
Sometimes I think my son has unexperessed grief over this loss and I am gathering information to help him honor the loss of his brother Samuel. Any information would be appreciated.
I’m a twin. My twin brother died in Utero. What helps me is being close to them some how. My family is doing a small symbolic funeral and will get get a head stone for the cemetary. I also have a charm bracelet in his honor that I always wear.
P.S. I’m the same age as your son. (but I’m a girl)
Hi tracey, i can relate to that. My twin died in the womb 3 days before i was born. Honestly i have a hard time talking about my personal stories because the stuff iv’e experienced is very unbelievable and seems crazy. I experience a lot of paranormal and crazy things. Ive actually been looking for some kind of counselor who has been through the same stuff as me. I feel very strange around people and observe them and wonder why they are doing it because i just don’t understand. I’m always watching people to try and figure out what they have that i don’t. Also it feels like i don’t really have a personality of my own. I mostly mirror other peoples personalities unconsciously. It feels like i live in a world of fantasy and imagination. As far as the loss of my brother i feel very guilty that i lived and he didnt and thats something that can get very depressing. One thing that helps me is i try to imagine where he is and when i picture where he is i feel a awesome peace and sometimes i spent hours every day just daydreaming about the place were he is, that really helps me when my thoughts seem to be overwhelming. I don’t know if this will help at all but it sure helped me to talk about it.Does your son experience any of these things? Is thier any kind of support group for this? Ive been looking for someone to talk to that can relate to the fantasy world i seem to live in.
All my life I cling to my mother, friends boyfriends husband children and boyfriend and when seperated I feel a tragic loss even when it is unhealthy. I have feared the word death and dying ever since I can remember. I am tired of the pain and agony of loss.
Hello, there isn’t a question within your statement. I am sorry to hear of your confusion and unhappiness. It could be very helpful for you to explore the issues you
have so clearly explained with a professional support person and perhaps you will be able to find some peace and comfort. Best wishes.
I am a 22 year old female who lost her twin in utero. For my enitre consious life, I have struggled with chronic depression resulting from the agonizing and never ending feelings of grief, guilt, sadness, lonliness, emptiness, anger, confusion, and hopelessness… I have always felt like somehing was missing in my life and though have always felt the need for closeness with another, cannot hold or express feelings to another human being. I purposely seperate myself from others, realizing the void I carry in my heart cannot be filled. Not a day goes by now where I do not imagine how life would have been, would my twin had been born with me. The emotional pain is constant, and causes me physical pain from the stress, depression, and insomia that have resulted from that loss. I definetly belive that anyone who has suffered such a tragic loss be allowed to take time and grieve, for mine will be life-long. I just want to punch people who tell me to; “get over it” because they are ignorant and fortunate to have not suffered bearing wittness to the death of their sole mate before ever getting to take their first breath. I have a special charm, of which is all I have to remind me, that I wasn`t always alone… I will always love my twin, though he is not here with me in life. More than anything else. He is my motivation to do well.
Hello. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. I am not sure how you would have concluded that she “was actually the stronger of the two of us” or how you have assessed her strength. Perhaps on size? There are times when the larger baby is the one who dies. An example would be with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). It is not unusual if there is a death with TTTS, that it is the larger of the babies. Against what one might be thinking, but larger does not necessarily mean healthier. I am picking up that you blame yourself for surviving and her passing. I cannot emphasis enough that your sister’s passing is not your fault. It is also not your mother’s fault. Things, beyond our control, happen. They can be ugly and painful and they are beyond out control. No one is to blame. I do not feel that your sister would wish you to change places with her or especially have you suffer instead of living a full and happy life. This does mean doing things twice as fast, but it does mean having a meaningful life, learning and experiencing amazing things and still leaving a wee spot in your heart for her. No one is saying ignore or push her away. The encouragement is to be happy, healthy and carefree. I cannot comment on what you feel or what your boyfriend’s daughter is experiencing as this is beyond my expertise. What does occur to me though is that your sister is your Guardian Angel and is looking out for you, even as you sleep. It feels as if your sister loves you very much. Very best wishes to you. Lynda
I hope this website helps, it is for those of us who have lost a twin, before, during or after birth. As a fellow in-utero twin-loss, it’s not an easy thing to deal with. Finding others who’ve gone through this is helping more than anything I’ve tried on my own. There are many who’ve gone through this, we must stick together to be whole again. There are also many books written by twinloss survivors out there, they are good resources to look up as well. I hope this helps in some small way.
Sincerely,
Robert Wynecoop
I don’t like the term womb-twin survivor. I wasn’t a twin only in the womb but I still am a twin. Once a twin always a twin! I felt like I was only half-alive all my almost 50 years, and told professionals so who were treating me for a lot of things but never took my talk about “my invisible brother” seriously. Until my mother told me she had had a miscarriage sometime at the beginning of second trimester. It explained everything! Living is still hard work but I’m glad I know now why this is so.
I’m 14 and my mother didn’t tell me about my twin that died in utero until i was 11. I’d always had an imaginary friend named Ricky and he always seemed so real to me and my mother said is was strange how those things added up. I never feel like i’m alone. I get these sudden depression feelings, and i have recently learned that it’s normal and that i’m not alone. Keep smiling guys.
Your twin loves you. ❤
I read online about these people who say people with our problem still suffer from our loss, only because twins bond in the uterus. A survivor twin, no matter what, will always be considered a twin, never an only child.
I agree. I believe you are how you were conceived and I believe that parents are still parents of twins, triplets or what they conceived. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I congratulate you on your positive stance and you allow yourself to go forward but also acknowledge that you have moments of sadness, and right fully so. You are very
mature in your approach and I have no doubt that your twin does, indeed, love you! Hugs.
I have always felt that I was supposed to be a twin. I’ve had an imaginary friend all my life and even though I am an adult now, I still have that friend. My grandmother thought an imaginary friend was perfectly logical when my parents divorced shortly after my 4th birthday. From as far back as I can remember, I was fascinated by invisible people and have had lapses where my name didn’t feel as if it were my name and my reflection wasn’t quite right. I have no idea whether I did have a vanishing twin or not but whenever I feel like I need cheering up I always have someone with me. He was always my size (a perfect fit) and I always called him my older brother.
When I was 5 I told my cousin we could be twins, but as much as I love her, I still felt as if someone was missing. I am an only child and was born before the ultrasound age outside the US. I was telling a co-worker about how I was joking with my mother and asked her what she would have done if I were a twin. She says it is impossible, but my co-worker showed me some information on Vanishing Twins after I told her that I always knew I should have been a twin.
I couldn’t stop crying when I read the article.
You don’t say how old you are even though you indicate you are an adult. I am not sure where your life has taken you, if you have a partner and/or children. There are some things that cannot be proven, especially so long after the fact. It is not unusual for children to have imaginary friends and there is no way to prove that having them means that person should have been a twin or not. Sometimes imaginary friends are children being creative, inventive and have action imaginations. I can’t tell you you were or were not a twin, but even if you were, there is not one thing you can do about no longer having your twin. Your mom indicates it was ‘impossible.’ It is such a shame to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to change or prove what we cannot. If you can, why not look to professional assistance in order to move ahead in a productive and healthy manner. You didn’t really ask me a question, but I am sad as I read your note and how badly you wish to be a twin. Sometimes we need to concentrate on what is good in our lives and not focus on what we might have had, especially when it cannot be proven. You are still the master of your present and future. My very best wishes are enclosed.
Hi, Kairi,
you’ll meet many people who will tell you either the one or the other, yes, you are a twin, no, you’re not or stop thinking about it. My own experience is that you will never stop thinking about something that is so deeply important for you. It’s like people looking for water in the desert and somebody tells them to stop searching and be content with the nice sunshine they have got. Just look for what seems to be the right key for closed doors in your life and if those doors open, the key is the right one, no matter what others tell you or don’t. If the twin-theme opens a door for you, go by it. 🙂
It’s lovely and uplifting to read some of these stories and gives me a little confidence to share mine. I’m an 18 year old female and my twin brother died before birth. He died of an ectopic pregnancy which had developed very far along and endangered my mother’s life and mine. She says it was a miracle I survived. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety. I feel lonely all the time, even when surrounded by friends, although I find it nearly impossible to form long-lasting relationships, despite my fears of being alone. I realize my twin was not a vanishing twin, but I can’t shake the feeling of loss that’s gnawed at me all my life. When I was little I used to pretend he was alive and would talk and play with him instead of other kids. I also knew a pair of male and female twins in high school, and envied the girl twin and wanted to replace her. I often cry and passionately wish that my twin had survived. I worry that I’m crazy for loving and missing someone I never had, but I don’t think this feeling will ever go away. Is this normal? Given that we weren’t vanishing twins?
Hello Michele, I am glad the stories have been helpful to you. It is nice to know we are not alone in certain situations and others understand. I am confused by ‘died of an ectopic pregnancy which had developed far along….’ An ectopic pregnancy occurs within the fallopian tube and you are correct in that it is life threatening to the pregnancy and the mother. An ectopic pregnancy doesn’t ‘develop,’ as fertilization takes place in the fallopian tube and then the fertilized egg, or in your case eggs, travel down to the womb to implant. It doesn’t ‘develop’ but could have been occurred as your zygote (fertilized egg) travelled to the womb but his did not, staying put in the fallopian tube and implanting there. The tube, over time, can ‘explode’ with the zygote’s growth and rupture, thus endangering the mother. I am wondering if this is the scenario for you, your Mom and your twin. If so, it is probably a miracle how you survived as your Mom noted. I am wondering if you have some survivor’s guilt? This was not your fault, your mother’s fault or your twin’s fault. It was a freak of nature and we cannot control nature. I would encourage you to look for some professional counselling where you can share your feelings and work out some solutions which will work for you. What you are feeling is normal, but with some guidance, you may be able to move forward to live a full, rich, healthy life while honouring your brother. Try not to lose what you have in being stuck making both yours and his life a loss. You are both important. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Hello, Lynda – All my life I felt that something or someone who was a part of me was missing, felt sad, alone, and was (and still are) rejected by my parents. When I was 35 or 36 I surprised my sister, who had just had a baby, by driving several hundred miles to see her. When I knocked on my parents’ door to share the surprise, my mother blew up at me and screamed, “You killed and ate your twin in the womb!” Three years ago when I was 62, my father casually mentioned at a dinner I had prepared for him, my brother and his wife, that, “I guess you don’t know you were a twin.” This is all the information I had, but many things have happened in my life that point to there once having been a twin “me” that it makes perfect sense. Being me has been a challenge, although I am now able to reach out and make the occasional friend and that is fulfilling.
Hello, I am so sorry that you have learned your heritage in such a manner. First and foremost, I must let you know that you did NOT “kill and eat your twin in the womb.” It is completely impossible for such a thing to happen. First one embryo has no tools with which to ‘kill’ its womb mate and how on earth could one ‘eat’ the other when embryos are fed through their umbilical cords? What probably happened is that your mother suffered Vanishing Twin Syndrome (VTS). I have written about it extensively in this blog because there is a loss for both the parents and the survivor of the birth. Both losses are traumatic: 1) for the parents who lose a much-wanted baby; and 2) for the survivor who loses someone with whom they began a very close bond only to have it severed. There is no one to blame for VTS and it is no one’s fault. It is in Mother Nature’s hands and we cannot control her. If you feel up to it, you may wish to try and get as much information as possible from your father, who sounds a little more sympathetic towards you. He may be able to set your mind at rest regarding your beginnings, even a little bit, or you may decide you do not need or want any further information. Whichever you decide is right and no one should tell you otherwise. I am glad you are making healing steps for yourself, that is wonderful. If you think you might need to professional support, even for a little while, try and find a bereavement counsellor or therapist in your area who understands twin bonds, twinning and what the loss at any stage can be mean for the survivor. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Best wishes, Lynda
Hi there. My name is Joy. i am from the UK. At an early stage in my mother’s pregnancy she was carrying twins (I was one of them). Sadly my mother had complications and at one point, even thought she had lost both twins. Sadly (and thankfully) I survived, but my twin died. Growing up I had no idea that I was a twin. But I always felt someone was missing. I struggled making friends as a child. I began to have a bit of an obsession with twins at the age of (7-11 years old) . Until one day I was (for the 123450900th time) talking about how badly I wanted a twin. Then my mother decided to tell me at 11 years old the truth. I felt my heart drop. I felt unusual. I felt confused and burst out crying. As a child …it began to make perfect sense. I wasn’t crazy. Something had been missing. My Twin. I am now almost 18. I have suffered with severe depression and anxiety issues. These sparked from a young age and got worse a year and 1/2 ago. I attended therapy for 6 months. I stopped a while ago and have recently felt a relapse in my anxiety. Growing up I have always had an INTENSE fear of loosing anyone who is close to me. I still do. I am recieving therapy again. My depression is away but the anxiety never seemed to go. My previous therapist did say “he saw a connection between my anxiety and trauma in the womb”. I am a confident young woman when I need to be. Ive had my fair share of social problems. I am still trying to get things back on track. Im sure they will. The connection from this really old article and my experience is scary.
Thank you. 🙂
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and what you have been going through. It is a good idea to seek professional help when confronting trauma and to realize that the support may need to go on for many years – not because you can’t be helped, but time with someone you feel safe with helps us come to terms with things beyond our control and move forward. I hear from so many twinless twins who suffer terribly around their loss. I would love to have a magic wand and share that there are so many things in our lives that we cannot control and who lives and who dies, is one of those things. I feel very strongly that twins (and multiples) who die would not want their survivor to change places with them. I think that as much as we miss them, they still would want us to be happy, healthy and live a good life while keeping a small place in our hearts for them. This doesn’t mean that some days won’t be sad or anxious, but it may help to focus on our special Guardian Angel who travels life’s journey with us. I truly hope you can find peace and comfort in your twin’s love.
Thank you for your lovely reply Lynda, it means a lot. Its nice to know there are others who have experienced similar situations (to myself). x
Hello Lynda,
My 12 year old daughter has suffered from severe anxiety starting at a very young age. She is the youngest of my 4 children and I could never understand why she was the only one who experienced this. Reading your article really shed a light on this whole struggle my daughter’s been facing. She was conceived as a twin and her twin died in utero early in the pregnancy. I had an ultrasound done very early, at 6 weeks, which showed 2 heartbeats. We were ecstatic as a family and couldn’t believe how blessed we were to be welcoming twins into our family. When I went for an ultrasound at 10 weeks, there was only one heartbeat. We were devastated, but tried to focus on the fact that one of our babies seemed to be strong. I admit that I probably didn’t allow myself to grieve as I should have. People keep telling you that when babies die this early in a pregnancy, there must have been something wrong and it’s all for the best. I kind of kept my grief to myself and focused on keeping healthy and carrying my baby to full term. My daughter was born without complications and she was an easy and happy baby. However, as a toddler she began showing signs of anxiety. She was afraid to have a bowel movement and went through a long stage where she was afraid to go to restaurants and stores. Her anxiety increased every year and we sought treatment. She is now 12 years old and her anxiety is peaking. We have tried all sorts of therapy but nothing is really helping. I had mentioned years ago to a psychologist that my daughter lost her twin in utero, but she acted as if this didn’t have any relevance. After reading your article, I realized I should have listened to my mother’s instinct and pursued this aspect of my daughter’s early life. My daughter is very sensitive and we haven’t told her about her lost twin. I feel that we should tell her, but I’m worried it will cause her more anxiety. My older children know but have never discussed it with her. My daughter is the youngest by 5 years. Do you have any advice on whether this is the right time to tell her? Thank you
Hello, I am sorry to hear of what your daughter is going through and about the loss of your much-anticipated twin pregnancy. It is difficult to pick a place to begin with some suggestions, so will just jump right in. It is difficult to ascertain what may be part of the twin loss and what is normal childhood behaviour. I have heard of many children who fear having bowl movements and then flushing it out of sight scares them. Also, she may just find crowds noisy, overwhelming and being a child, feel that she could easily get lost or perhaps stepped on. The effect of loss in the womb is more greatly understood today than it was 12 years ago, so I would suggest that you look around for a counsellor who has some knowledge of twin loss in utero and who will have an open mind when speaking with your daughter. Helping her overcome some of her fears, maybe an ongoing event, will help her adjust and not have her fears compounded. If she can understand that it is OK to have fears and have some guidance to put tools in place for her to help her in situations she feels uncomfortable, she can live a more fulfilled life. After all, when she starts dating or going out with family and friends, she will go to restaurants and with the proper tools in place for handling her anxiety, she can learn it is possible to enjoy them. Please don’t blame yourself for not taking action earlier. As I noted, the possible impact was not understood as it is now and it may have been difficult for you as the other side of the same coin is that you lost a baby and a unique parenting situation. You have a right to mourn that loss and not have anyone tell you otherwise. If you need to, consider counselling for yourself as well. It can help to explore our feelings in a safe place. I am of the belief that all big family secrets need to be on the table. Another example would be about adoption. You and your husband can sit down with her and just let her know about her beginnings, not putting any excess focus on her behaviour vis-a-vis these beginnings (as we cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing her anxieties), answer any and all her questions as best as you are capable and letting her know you both remain available should she think of anything later that she needs to ask. You could also touch on your own sadness at losing her co-multiple and how much you wish the baby could have stayed to be a part of your family on earth. She may ask if the baby was a boy or girl and I think I would ask her what she thought and let her have that feeling. You may also decide together that she would name this baby. It may help her with this new piece of knowledge and offer her some power in this situation. If I may be so bold, as loving parents and wishing to protect our children, we can sometimes impose our own feelings and/or interpretations on how something is playing out. Try not to impose your interpretations on what happened, is happening or plant ideas that could have consequences for your daughter. If we, the parents, can accept something, our children will usually respond in kind and accept the situation in the same tone. If we are anxious, however, she will pick up on those feelings and respond with anxiety as well. I would also consider letting her know her beginning truths because her siblings know already and she may experience negative feelings and possibly betrayal if she finds out, even accidentally, in the future when everyone knows about her life and not her. I hope these few suggestions are of assistance to you and your family. Please feel free to write again if you feel a need. Very best wishes, Lynda
I was conceived using IVF, so I had two siblings created in the same process. We were implanted in the womb together, but during pregnancy, most likely in the first few days, both of my siblings died. I am a womb-triplet survivor.
What complicates matters for me is that although I understand that these babies were my siblings, my parents are not so understanding. They flat-out denied that my siblings existed and were alive, calling them only “potential siblings” and their “potential children”. I literally had to beg them to understand – they were alive, as much their children as I am. Even now, I suspect that they don’t truly believe, or want to believe.
So I mourn them alone. It is so difficult, especially not feeling able to tell anyone else about it. I don’t have names to call them, nor do I even know if they were brothers or sisters. There’s no grave to visit. Today is National Siblings Day, and I’d love to be able just to Tweet something, just acknowledging that my siblings existed and that I miss them. But my dad follows me on Twitter. He’d see it, and that would probably lead to a fight. So I can’t say anything. Even now as I’m typing I’m having to dry my tears before my mum or dad see them. This grief is so hard.
Hello, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. The depth of your sorrow and grief is quite evident. You don’t mention how old you are so I hope some of my thoughts are age-appropriate. If you can, understand that there is two sides to loss in this type of situation: one is the what you are feeling with sorrow, grief, confusion and so much more. The other is the loss your parents have/are experiencing, i.e., the loss of two of their much-wanted babies. While they have you to celebrate and enjoy, they remain aware of what could have been, should have been. Perhaps in order to protect themselves against their losses, it may be necessary to deny they were there. “Potential siblings” and “potential children” can help distance them from the pain and grief that they probably feel/felt. To admit anything else, opens the Pandora’s Box of pain and grief for you all. In addition, they may wish to protect you from extra sorrow, pressure and grief by giving in to their own feelings of loss. To protect their child(ren) and keep him/her safe, parents would move mountains, if they could. The fact that your parents shared with you your true beginnings speaks to their honesty, integrity,love and respect for you rather than letting everything remain quiet. I would offer doubt that you mourn your siblings alone. In the dark, alone, in the middle of the night is when many people feel safe enough to give in to their true feelings, away from the public eye, scrutiny, judgement and painful explanations.
Would you consider trusting a good friend with your story? Or failing that, talk to a bereavement counsellor about what you are feeling, someone who understands multiple-birth loss and what that entails? A religious person may also be a good choice. There is nothing to stop you going with your gut feeling as to whether you have sisters, brothers or one of each. If is feels right, you choose, and then pick names that you feel would suit them. You could purchase one or three charms and have them engraved with all your names and wear it/them as a bracelet or necklace whenever you wish. You might even let your parents share your journey and find that they might welcome the chance to celebrate their babies’ short lives, or even if they don’t feel capable, do it for yourself. It is OK to steam ahead. What I would ask you to consider is that grief is very personal and we each cope with it in our own way. There is no right or wrong way to go through it. Accepting how your parents mourn and that it may be different from the way you mourn, will set you all free and give you the space you need to remember your siblings in your own manner. You might also consider making a donation, annually, to an organization that means a lot to you in their names. There are so many ways to celebrate them, and yourself. You are not alone at all. You do have choices. Please write again, should you feel the need. Best wishes, Lynda
I’m a 26 years old guy who lost a twin in the womb and since i remember experienced a severe unexplainable loss, depression or ‘ unwholeness’ in the back of my mind. I have always had a interest with death in some form or another. I’m not here to offer any philosophies on this subject. I want to share with something i realised. As i type this it my sound hollow but everytime i think this i find myself smiling. You see, the first thing i/we experienced was not death or loss or loneliness, it was unconditional love.
O my god, thank you so much for leaving your comment, you truly opened my eyes with your last sentence! So beautiful ❤
I believe that I have coped quite well in life without my twin brother. My mother and I have spoken recently about him. She told me that when I was born she felt that my aura and soul were definitely missing a piece, my brother. She never spoke of him to me, but when I was able to speak as a toddler I was always asking where my brother was, she didn’t tell me of him until I was around five years old. Though she said that she feels his presence whenever I have intense emotions. Especially when I was younger. I always knew he was there watching out for me. He is my guardian angel. When mom finally did tell me of my twin, who I had already named in secret around three, Alex, she decided to help me choose a better name. At the time I did not know of one of my mom’s first pregnancies, she had named him Alexander, he passed late into pregnancy. So she wanted me to choose a different name. Something with an I she told me. I suggested Isaiah, I liked the name, mom didn’t. We tried other I names, but most were not fitting for my brother. I settled on Isaac and mom accepted. So his name from me was Isaac Alexander. I was five when I named him. I forgot about my twin when middle school came around, I knew that I had a twin, I just didn’t acknowledge his presence. Then recently maybe sophomore year of high school I began feeling him again. He made his presence known to me. He keeps me afloat in this stressful world. He urges me to do better than my best. I am now a senior in high school, almost 18 years old. He is here now more than ever. Whenever I feel anxious during a swim meet he fills his strength and power into me to keep me going. He wants me to strive and be happy. I think he wants me to achieve at some of his goals that he would have had if he had survived. He pushes me to do interesting things that are not part of me. Like swimming, that was him. He also helps me be less shy and awkward around people. He is there. Everyone your twin is always there guiding you. You may not see him or her but they are there. I found it interesting that most of us have seen them as “imaginary friends”, I saw my twin he looks just like me, except he has jet black hair, darker skin, and my dad’s eye color. I know it may seem that I have completely accepted his fate and mine. But through out my life I have felt guilty for living and not him. I have felt loss and sadness from him not growing up in this plane of existence with me. My mom told be though, even if she hadn’t of miscarried, that my twin brother would have likely died after birth. That he was not meant to survive in this world with me, but in the way he currently guides and protects me in. But I do still look hard for my other half, my twin, my soulmate, though I know he guides me. I believe that though he is there he accepts that I will eventually find another half to fill his loss. He has been pushing me to look at males, which I had been completely against until last year. He wants me to love another like I would have him, like a best friend. But also in the other way as in a boy friend, he wants me to move onto that part of my life as scary as that is. But he is helping me still, keeping me away from boys who will hurt me, I mean I haven’t even had a boy friend yet because he doesn’t any of these boys are good enough for his twin.
Thank you for reading this and giving any comments in advance.
I know some will not completely understand my situation due to the fact that I am very spiritual.